The "D" word

DON'T  think about or say the word DIVORCE! When someone does bring up divorce that is like someone throwing out a signal for a need of help, like they are drowning. Don't throw them rocks, by demeaning or criticizing the spouse. Give them a life preserver by listening.

My teacher told a story today of a man he knew that his wife and kids were packing up and leaving to move across the states, leaving this husband. This man loved this woman and was devastated. My teacher got a phone call from this man asking what to do. Brother Williams said "Get off the phone and go talk to her." This man came up with excuses and never ended up going. A few days later this man's wife called my teacher in tears saying that her husband never came. She was deeply hurt. I think the point of the story was that the woman and kids didn't want to leave the dad and husband but rather the wife wanted to see if she and the kids were a big enough priority in his life, and she got the message when he never came. Ohh how sad!
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70% of people who have been divorced said that they should have and could have saved their marriage. Someone in the relationship or possibly both were NOT being Christlike and many times they were merely thinking of themselves and how hurt they were rather than thinking about their families and possible kids involved.

I think that not falling into the trap of negativity that even leads to the thoughts of separation and divorce would be to make your spouse the very most important thing in your life--over sports and video games and also over relationships with your mom and sisters. Remember why you fell in love with your spouse in the first place. What about them do you love? How can you serve and appreciate what they do for you? When was the last time you said "I love you" to them and meant it? When was the last time the both of you went on a date and just did something you both enjoy together?

Working through things will make you both stronger and make you love each other even more. On my my mission I was having a rough time with a companion and a suggestion that was given to me was to make a gratitude wall. Write down the things I was grateful for everyday. Another thing I started doing was each night I would ask myself "What was the best thing that happened today?" It gave me time to reflect on my day and the things that had happened and what I was grateful for. My gratitude and love for my investigators, area and companion grew and I found myself to be more happy. I was looking for the positive and that's exactly what I found.

That can be the same for marriage! look for the good in each other. Focus on the positives and things you love rather than the small things that drive you crazy. It will make a difference I promise!!!

Perfect Parents

Parenting. What is the purpose of parenting? It is to protect and prepare children to survive and thrive in the world they will be living in.

This week in class we have been talking about parenting. One of the last things that my teacher said today stood out to me. He said "Most people see God in the same way they see their parents, and even themselves." Profound.

If kids don't have a good relationship with their parents they will think less of themselves and not feel as worthwhile. When a parent withdraws love from their child, they most likely are going to think that they are a bad child, rather than that the parent is doing something wrong.

Children have needs just as the rest of us do. Children need contact and belonging, power, protection,withdrawal and challenges. If those needs aren't being met they will try to get them met in different ways and through different things such as rebellion, revenge and those types of things.

 My teacher told a story of an eleven year old boy that was squirmy and all over the place. The type of kid that even while sitting he is still bouncing. He had a little sibling that has some rather severe disability and so the mom and dad in this family spent little time tending to the other children. My teacher said he decided to do something about it and every time he saw this young man he would make a conscious effort to give him attention and physical contact through handshakes and listening. He did so for several weeks and the results were incredible. That eleven year old boy that was all over the place now was calmer at home and other places and it was because his needs were being met of contact and belonging.  

We should use Heavenly Father as an example in the way we raise our children. He never withdraws His love from us. He is a wonderful listener. He has our safety and happiness as His greatest motivator. And even though He says no to us...doesn't mean that He doesn't care or want us to be happy. He has a bigger perspective and what we ultimately need in our lives and to become the people we are meant to be.

You must be my daughter!!

With classes being only once this week and thanksgiving here, we were asked to write a paper based on fatherhood and the importance of fathers. So I have been thinking quite a bit about my dad and the influence he has had on my life and my family.

There has been research done and I found out that children that have a father in the home or at least a part in their kids lives do better in school, learn more and have healthier behavior than those who don't. Society has down-played the importance of dads and it makes me sad. Fathers have a huge role to play not only providing financial for his family but also for the teaching his children in ways and about things that are needed to be successful in life.

My dad is a hard worker. He has provided the necessary things that our family needs, Growing up he took the time to teach us kids how to do all sorts of different things. One of my favorite things growing up was going outside to be with him and my brothers as they worked on different projects...from taking care of the animals and the yard to figuring out why the car was acting up.

There are things in my dad that I see in myself. Just last night actually we were eating dinner and I looked down and sure enough somehow I ended up with food all over my lap. My dad just looked and said something along the lines of "you must be my daughter." It was pretty funny.

I am thankful for my dad and all he does for our family. I love this quote that says " The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother." I know my dad loves my mom and I am grateful for both of them and all they do for me.

Ask and Listen

I don't know about you, but when I think of conflict it makes me want to run away from it. I like to keep the peace and not cause contention. Some may call me a pushover or that people walk all over me but I just don't handle conflict or contention very well. It makes me feel uncomfortable.  

Today in class we were discussing conflict. My teacher said that just because there is conflict doesn't mean it has to be an argument. As we discussed conflict and power he brought to the classes’ attention that conflict is the opportunities for some things. At first I had a hard time coming up with anything from a conflict that would be beneficial for anyone. 

Some of the benefits of conflict is that it gives both people the opportunity to see from different perspectives and gain more information regarding the matter. If conflict is handled lovingly it can teach both people to be more humble and teachable. Conflict can bring your trust and confidence in each other to a greater level. It can also bring you together and become an intimate experience while discussing important things that have meaning. 

At least for me when there are issues I am really good at becoming silent and keeping my opinions to myself...until I've had enough then I explode in frustration. I found this quote that is really good and I find value in it.

"The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn't being said. The art of reading between the lines is a lifelong quest of the wise." Shannon L. Alder

There are many ways to communicate and it’s not only through words. Whether we like it or not we are always communicating sometimes more when we aren't using our words. My teacher showed us this:

Words 14%

Tone 35%

Non-verbal 51%

_____________

100%

Communicating can help avoid some conflict as we are loving and kind to those around us. We not only need to communicate with out spouse and family but also and specifically Heavenly Father. He needs to be just as much involved in our lives as our spouse is. We not only need to ask, but also listen to both God and those around us. 

Sunday will come

Stress can be positive if handled in the right way. Just like Elder Bednar's talk he gave about the load of wood in the back of a truck. It gives us a good amount of opposition in order for us to learn and grow. The pressure of our stress gives us the proper balance in order for us to exercise our faith in the way that the Lord sees fit.

Stress gives us the ability to make things happen in our lives, but if there is too much it can be very debilitating. When we take the time to focus on serving the Lord, for instance when we take the sacrament we are able to lay our stresses down at the alter and take upon us the yoke of Christ. In Matthew 11:30 it says," For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." 

It was never promised to us that we would go throughout life without trials and stressful situations, but it is promised that we can find rest from the stress of guilt. When we feel that can't go on anymore we can again go to the Lord and lay our stresses down. Sunday will come. Just like Elder Worthlin says.  

"Each of us will have our own Fridays -- those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays. But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death -- Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come. No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come. In this life or the next, Sunday will come." --Elder Joseph B. Worthlin

Time is Love

This week in class has been about marital intimacy and infidelity. The definition of infidelity is anything that takes away attention from your spouse. There are four types of infidelity...fantasy, visual, romantic and sexual. The thing they all have in common is that they are all started by thoughts, which lead to actions.

"Watch your thoughts,they become words.
 Watch your words, they become actions.
 Watch your actions, they become your character.
 Watch your character, it becomes your destiny." --Lao Tzu

To help prevent infidelity from happening in marriage it takes effort, time and work, along with being on guard and being fiercely loyal. Just because you get sealed in the temple doesn't mean that you are automatically safe and good to go. One of the things I have learned is that communication is key. Being open about the needs and desires you have with your spouse is essential and can help bring you together.

President Monson shared a quote that I absolutely love. He says "Choose your love. Love your choice." You chose to marry the person you did. Take some time to think about and look for the good in them. There was a reason that you fell in love with them in the first place. Don't get distracted by looking outward or by letting little things get in the way of what is truly important. Nothing should take presidence over your spouse including your children. I enjoy listening to the song Time is Love by Josh Turner. Some of the lyrics of that song demonstrate the effort and focus that is needed in a successful marriage.

God's Will

When making choices especially something as big as who you are going to spend eternity with you may want to consider the following questions:

• Whats God's will? 
• Do you trust God? 
• Does it matter that you gain a confirmation on who you choose to marry? 

I have never been engaged nor married but with the little bit of life experience I do have, I have learned that involving Heavenly Father in decision making is so important. It really doesn't matter what other people say and think concerning what you do. Its so easy for people to voice their opinions about what you should do with your life, and they may be valid concerns....but just make sure you do what your heart says.

I know that gaining a confirmation has a great advantage especially when times get hard. I served a mission and at times when I was exhausted and felt that I couldn't do it anymore but regardless I leaned on my testimony but also the undeniable confirmation I gained and that helped me to continue to move forward and press through the difficult days. I knew without a doubt that God wanted and needed me to have those experiences and that I was needed in Vegas at that particular time. I didn't know why I needed to struggle but I am sooooo grateful that I didn't give up!! I am who I am today because of those experiences.

My teacher Brother Williams said something along the lines of "It is more important to focus on the WHAT God wants you to do in the moment rather than the WHY." We may not see the why for a long time or maybe even ever in this life time but everything happens for a reason. I know that!

This quote by President Hinckley has helped me especially as I have faced challenges in my life.

"In my ninety-plus years I have learned a secret. I have learned that when good men and women face challenges with optimism things will always work out! Truly. Things always work out! Despite how difficult circumstances may look at the moment. Those who have faith and move forward with a happy spirit will find that things always work out!"

We need to have the faith to move forward and trust that God has a bigger and better plan than we can even comprehend. If we have that faith everything will work out!

Three P's

What do going on dates and the Family Proclamation to the world have in common? I loved thinking about that question. When going on a date there are three P's to remember. Planned. Paid for. Paired-off. Its always good to have a plan when going on a date. Don't forget your wallet and be willing to give your attention and time to whom you are going on a date with, In the Family Proclamation there are three P's as well. Husbands and fathers are primarily responsible for Providing, Protecting and Presiding in their home and families.

Guys asking girls on dates is divine because it helps them fulfill their duty as the provider, protector and presider. It gives them experiences before they get married and have families of their own. It can show a girl a lot about a guy by the dates they plan and go on. Is the guy going to be a good provider? Can he show up and have a plan for an enjoyable evening?

It takes three things to get to know someone. 1. Time. It takes about three months to get to know the real person that you are dating and to see them in different situations. 2. Talk. There needs to be mutual self-disclosure. If only one partner is talking the whole time about themselves, the other person doesn't have the same opportunity to get to know him or her. 3. Togetherness. Doing a variety of shared activities can build your friendship, trust and love.

You marry who you date. One of the reasons you date is to eventually find an eternal companion. Eternity is a long time and you want to make sure you are dating is living up to the standards that the Lord has set for each of us.

Its been said before to me that before you decide to get married, you should see your potential spouse in different situations. How do they handle being with kids? What are they like when they are mad, sad, disappointed or happy? Are they temple worthy? Do they know who their home teaching families are?  What types of relationships does they have with their family and parents? How does they treat their mother and family?

Identity Distraction

As I sat in class today as we talked about homosexual relationships my heart ached. It really bothered me. Not so much the topic but just how I felt as I listened. My teacher brought up the point that with every gay couple there is an opportunity lost for two woman to be married and bear children the way God intended it to be. God has a plan for each of us. He is aware of each of us--and each of us individually.

As I sat in class thoughts came into my head...Satan wants to distract us from focusing on what truly is important. Hes destroying the family by distracting us and getting us all worked up about "gay" relationships. If we are focused on those things, rather than strengthening our relationships the way Heavenly Father made and intended us to be, we are letting Satan win.

 Elder Cook in the talk entitled Choose  Wisely states, "When we rationalize wrong choices, big or small, which are inconsistent with the restored gospel, we lose the blessings and protections we need and often become ensnared in sin or simply lose our way."

Satan is really good at distracting us and letting things seem like a big deal or whatnot because if we are worried about those things we cant fulfill our duties at all or as well, which is exactly what he wants to have happen. "Many choices are not inherently evil, but if they absorb all of our time and keep us from the best choices, then they become insidious...Distractions and rationalizations that limit progress are harmful enough, but when they diminish faith in Jesus Christ and His Church, they are tragic."

I love the gospel. I love the guidance, direction and protection it can bring to each of our lives as we accept it.

Doubt and fear creep in more easily if we give heed to the words of the world and become caught up in and distracted in our real purpose and identity.

You are what you eat!

Things happen. Somethings we can control and somethings we cant. There is always a choice. We can choose to be happy or choose to be miserable. 

Elder Packer in General Conference April 1989 said," I know that you sometimes feel that life isn't fair; why can't you have things that others have. You even wonder why you can't be somebody else and exchange your body with someone who appears to be more beautiful or handsome or talented or brighter or stronger or thinner; or change personalities with someone who is not so shy or blundering or frightened as you are.

 Sometimes you wonder why you can't trade your parents for some better ones. No need to apologize; they sometimes wish they could trade you for someone easier to live with. But parents and grandparents make allowances for those feelings. After all, we are just teenagers who have evened out a few of our frustrations so that they don't show as much as they did when we were your age. And someday, soon enough, you are going to be us!" 

You may not be able to control every outcome of your life, just like when you are little and your mom makes you eat your vegetables, but you CAN choose your attitude. Moaning and groaning at the dinner table doesn't make your vegetables disappear any faster. If you would just eat them, you would be able to carry on with their life and not be miserable....plus you would be healthy. 

We each have a choice. No matter how or where we grew up, no matter the circumstance we can learn from it and make a conscious decision of how we will choose to live our lives. Just because a certain trait or attribute has been in a family for as long as you remember doesn't mean you cant make a choice to change it. It wont necessarily be easy but it may well be worth it!   

Speaking Without a Word

Everything we do is symbolic. From hearts on a paper, to things we say everything means something. The body language and facial expression to the tone of voice someone has can make all the difference. I have found that I would much rather talk to someone in person or on the phone than by a text or Facebook message. The way I am feeling towards that particular individual and what is said can be skewed depending on how I am feeling about myself and how I assume the person is feeling that is communicating with me. It is much easier to differentiate someone that is mad and someone that is sad when you can actually see their face expression or hear the tone of their voice.

We all know the saying "If moms not happy nobodys.happy." I've learned thru trial and error what I should do and not do when someone in my family isn't happy. Sometimes it is to go clean the bathroom or vacuum the floor really quick to ease the tension of stressed out mom. At times I have found that it is better to just leave and give people their space. Other times it is to just stop what I am doing, sit and listen. Its because I know my family well enough and their body language and tone of voice that I don't have to ask "whats your problem?" I can just tell.

That is with other aspects of relationships too. My roommate and I were talking the other night just about completely random stuff. Suddenly she stopped ,looked at me and said " I know that face." I hadn't said anything to her, I was just listening and she could tell exactly what I was feeling by the big smile on my face. We then busted up laughing and continued our conversation. Its interesting to me that if we pay attention we can tell a lot about a person and how they are feeling. Each of us if we like it or not,speak even without saying a word.

When and How many kids?!

Choosing when and how many children to have is up to the husband and wife together with the Lord thru prayer and fasting. Heavenly Father knows what we can handle and our desires. If you think that you need to "live up your life" or should have a solid career first...well listen to the words of President Spencer W. Kimball.  

"You did not come on earth just to "eat, drink and be merry." You came knowing full well your responsibilities. You came to get for yourself a mortal body that could become perfected, immortalized, and you understood that you were to act in partnership with God in providing bodies for other spirits equally anxious to come to the earth for righteous purposes. And so you will not postpone parenthood. There will be rationalists who will name to you numerous reasons for postponement. Of course, it will be harder to get your college degrees or your financial start with a family, but strength like yours will be undaunted in the face of difficult obstacles."

If we really are here to provide bodies for our brothers and sisters, we should know that we shouldn't postpone or take lightly the counsel given to us by our leaders. The Family: A Proclamation to the world states," The first commandment that God gave to Adam and Eve pertained to their potential for parenthood as husband and wife. We declare that God’s commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force. We further declare that God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife." God's commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth REMAINS in force. That means that we as a people should be getting married and choosing to have children. 

President Kimball continues, "Have your family as the Lord intended. Of course it is expensive, but you will find a way, and besides, it is often those children who grow up with responsibility and hardships who carry on the world’s work. And, John and Mary, do not limit your family as the world does. I am wondering now where I might have been had my parents decided arbitrarily that one or two children would be enough, or that three or four would be all they could support, or that even five would be the limit; for I was the sixth of eleven children. Don’t think you will love the later ones less or have few material things for them. Perhaps like Jacob, you might love the eleventh one most. Young people, have your family, love them, sacrifice for them, teach them righteousness, and you will be blessed and happy all the days of your eternal lives."

 - President Spencer W. Kimball (in an open letter to all young couples, found in the Ensign, June 1975)

I know that if we follow the counsel we have been given we will be blessed beyond what we can comprehend as we endeavor to follow the Lord in deciding when and how many kids to have.

The Adventure Begins...

Starting at a new school in a new town has been a bit overwhelming with highs and lows of anxiety and excitement. Living with five other girls that I had never met until the day I moved in was quite the experience...a bit different than the mission field.

On my mission, I was with one person all day everyday, always by her side. If she went to one isle of the store I was right beside her. If I was in the bathroom she was just outside the door. We ate together, talked together, studied together, and taught together. It was challenging but absolutely wonderful. I learned a lot about myself and those I was companions with throughout the eighteen months. Personalities of each girl I was with was different and the way we went about studying, teaching and communicating were each unique to who I was serving with.

Now that I am at college, it is a completely different adventure. Each of us with our different schedules, backgrounds, ages and majors all living together has been fun. My whole mission experience has helped me better understand how to love and serve those around me which in turn has blessed our apartment already.