The "D" word

DON'T  think about or say the word DIVORCE! When someone does bring up divorce that is like someone throwing out a signal for a need of help, like they are drowning. Don't throw them rocks, by demeaning or criticizing the spouse. Give them a life preserver by listening.

My teacher told a story today of a man he knew that his wife and kids were packing up and leaving to move across the states, leaving this husband. This man loved this woman and was devastated. My teacher got a phone call from this man asking what to do. Brother Williams said "Get off the phone and go talk to her." This man came up with excuses and never ended up going. A few days later this man's wife called my teacher in tears saying that her husband never came. She was deeply hurt. I think the point of the story was that the woman and kids didn't want to leave the dad and husband but rather the wife wanted to see if she and the kids were a big enough priority in his life, and she got the message when he never came. Ohh how sad!
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70% of people who have been divorced said that they should have and could have saved their marriage. Someone in the relationship or possibly both were NOT being Christlike and many times they were merely thinking of themselves and how hurt they were rather than thinking about their families and possible kids involved.

I think that not falling into the trap of negativity that even leads to the thoughts of separation and divorce would be to make your spouse the very most important thing in your life--over sports and video games and also over relationships with your mom and sisters. Remember why you fell in love with your spouse in the first place. What about them do you love? How can you serve and appreciate what they do for you? When was the last time you said "I love you" to them and meant it? When was the last time the both of you went on a date and just did something you both enjoy together?

Working through things will make you both stronger and make you love each other even more. On my my mission I was having a rough time with a companion and a suggestion that was given to me was to make a gratitude wall. Write down the things I was grateful for everyday. Another thing I started doing was each night I would ask myself "What was the best thing that happened today?" It gave me time to reflect on my day and the things that had happened and what I was grateful for. My gratitude and love for my investigators, area and companion grew and I found myself to be more happy. I was looking for the positive and that's exactly what I found.

That can be the same for marriage! look for the good in each other. Focus on the positives and things you love rather than the small things that drive you crazy. It will make a difference I promise!!!

Perfect Parents

Parenting. What is the purpose of parenting? It is to protect and prepare children to survive and thrive in the world they will be living in.

This week in class we have been talking about parenting. One of the last things that my teacher said today stood out to me. He said "Most people see God in the same way they see their parents, and even themselves." Profound.

If kids don't have a good relationship with their parents they will think less of themselves and not feel as worthwhile. When a parent withdraws love from their child, they most likely are going to think that they are a bad child, rather than that the parent is doing something wrong.

Children have needs just as the rest of us do. Children need contact and belonging, power, protection,withdrawal and challenges. If those needs aren't being met they will try to get them met in different ways and through different things such as rebellion, revenge and those types of things.

 My teacher told a story of an eleven year old boy that was squirmy and all over the place. The type of kid that even while sitting he is still bouncing. He had a little sibling that has some rather severe disability and so the mom and dad in this family spent little time tending to the other children. My teacher said he decided to do something about it and every time he saw this young man he would make a conscious effort to give him attention and physical contact through handshakes and listening. He did so for several weeks and the results were incredible. That eleven year old boy that was all over the place now was calmer at home and other places and it was because his needs were being met of contact and belonging.  

We should use Heavenly Father as an example in the way we raise our children. He never withdraws His love from us. He is a wonderful listener. He has our safety and happiness as His greatest motivator. And even though He says no to us...doesn't mean that He doesn't care or want us to be happy. He has a bigger perspective and what we ultimately need in our lives and to become the people we are meant to be.

You must be my daughter!!

With classes being only once this week and thanksgiving here, we were asked to write a paper based on fatherhood and the importance of fathers. So I have been thinking quite a bit about my dad and the influence he has had on my life and my family.

There has been research done and I found out that children that have a father in the home or at least a part in their kids lives do better in school, learn more and have healthier behavior than those who don't. Society has down-played the importance of dads and it makes me sad. Fathers have a huge role to play not only providing financial for his family but also for the teaching his children in ways and about things that are needed to be successful in life.

My dad is a hard worker. He has provided the necessary things that our family needs, Growing up he took the time to teach us kids how to do all sorts of different things. One of my favorite things growing up was going outside to be with him and my brothers as they worked on different projects...from taking care of the animals and the yard to figuring out why the car was acting up.

There are things in my dad that I see in myself. Just last night actually we were eating dinner and I looked down and sure enough somehow I ended up with food all over my lap. My dad just looked and said something along the lines of "you must be my daughter." It was pretty funny.

I am thankful for my dad and all he does for our family. I love this quote that says " The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother." I know my dad loves my mom and I am grateful for both of them and all they do for me.

Ask and Listen

I don't know about you, but when I think of conflict it makes me want to run away from it. I like to keep the peace and not cause contention. Some may call me a pushover or that people walk all over me but I just don't handle conflict or contention very well. It makes me feel uncomfortable.  

Today in class we were discussing conflict. My teacher said that just because there is conflict doesn't mean it has to be an argument. As we discussed conflict and power he brought to the classes’ attention that conflict is the opportunities for some things. At first I had a hard time coming up with anything from a conflict that would be beneficial for anyone. 

Some of the benefits of conflict is that it gives both people the opportunity to see from different perspectives and gain more information regarding the matter. If conflict is handled lovingly it can teach both people to be more humble and teachable. Conflict can bring your trust and confidence in each other to a greater level. It can also bring you together and become an intimate experience while discussing important things that have meaning. 

At least for me when there are issues I am really good at becoming silent and keeping my opinions to myself...until I've had enough then I explode in frustration. I found this quote that is really good and I find value in it.

"The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn't being said. The art of reading between the lines is a lifelong quest of the wise." Shannon L. Alder

There are many ways to communicate and it’s not only through words. Whether we like it or not we are always communicating sometimes more when we aren't using our words. My teacher showed us this:

Words 14%

Tone 35%

Non-verbal 51%

_____________

100%

Communicating can help avoid some conflict as we are loving and kind to those around us. We not only need to communicate with out spouse and family but also and specifically Heavenly Father. He needs to be just as much involved in our lives as our spouse is. We not only need to ask, but also listen to both God and those around us. 

Sunday will come

Stress can be positive if handled in the right way. Just like Elder Bednar's talk he gave about the load of wood in the back of a truck. It gives us a good amount of opposition in order for us to learn and grow. The pressure of our stress gives us the proper balance in order for us to exercise our faith in the way that the Lord sees fit.

Stress gives us the ability to make things happen in our lives, but if there is too much it can be very debilitating. When we take the time to focus on serving the Lord, for instance when we take the sacrament we are able to lay our stresses down at the alter and take upon us the yoke of Christ. In Matthew 11:30 it says," For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." 

It was never promised to us that we would go throughout life without trials and stressful situations, but it is promised that we can find rest from the stress of guilt. When we feel that can't go on anymore we can again go to the Lord and lay our stresses down. Sunday will come. Just like Elder Worthlin says.  

"Each of us will have our own Fridays -- those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays. But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death -- Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come. No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come. In this life or the next, Sunday will come." --Elder Joseph B. Worthlin

Time is Love

This week in class has been about marital intimacy and infidelity. The definition of infidelity is anything that takes away attention from your spouse. There are four types of infidelity...fantasy, visual, romantic and sexual. The thing they all have in common is that they are all started by thoughts, which lead to actions.

"Watch your thoughts,they become words.
 Watch your words, they become actions.
 Watch your actions, they become your character.
 Watch your character, it becomes your destiny." --Lao Tzu

To help prevent infidelity from happening in marriage it takes effort, time and work, along with being on guard and being fiercely loyal. Just because you get sealed in the temple doesn't mean that you are automatically safe and good to go. One of the things I have learned is that communication is key. Being open about the needs and desires you have with your spouse is essential and can help bring you together.

President Monson shared a quote that I absolutely love. He says "Choose your love. Love your choice." You chose to marry the person you did. Take some time to think about and look for the good in them. There was a reason that you fell in love with them in the first place. Don't get distracted by looking outward or by letting little things get in the way of what is truly important. Nothing should take presidence over your spouse including your children. I enjoy listening to the song Time is Love by Josh Turner. Some of the lyrics of that song demonstrate the effort and focus that is needed in a successful marriage.

God's Will

When making choices especially something as big as who you are going to spend eternity with you may want to consider the following questions:

• Whats God's will? 
• Do you trust God? 
• Does it matter that you gain a confirmation on who you choose to marry? 

I have never been engaged nor married but with the little bit of life experience I do have, I have learned that involving Heavenly Father in decision making is so important. It really doesn't matter what other people say and think concerning what you do. Its so easy for people to voice their opinions about what you should do with your life, and they may be valid concerns....but just make sure you do what your heart says.

I know that gaining a confirmation has a great advantage especially when times get hard. I served a mission and at times when I was exhausted and felt that I couldn't do it anymore but regardless I leaned on my testimony but also the undeniable confirmation I gained and that helped me to continue to move forward and press through the difficult days. I knew without a doubt that God wanted and needed me to have those experiences and that I was needed in Vegas at that particular time. I didn't know why I needed to struggle but I am sooooo grateful that I didn't give up!! I am who I am today because of those experiences.

My teacher Brother Williams said something along the lines of "It is more important to focus on the WHAT God wants you to do in the moment rather than the WHY." We may not see the why for a long time or maybe even ever in this life time but everything happens for a reason. I know that!

This quote by President Hinckley has helped me especially as I have faced challenges in my life.

"In my ninety-plus years I have learned a secret. I have learned that when good men and women face challenges with optimism things will always work out! Truly. Things always work out! Despite how difficult circumstances may look at the moment. Those who have faith and move forward with a happy spirit will find that things always work out!"

We need to have the faith to move forward and trust that God has a bigger and better plan than we can even comprehend. If we have that faith everything will work out!